I had no expectations about my pronouns being respected when I entered college. I oftentimes find that in my trans identity when I presume people will respect my pronouns I am let down. As a non-binary person, I have no gender identity at all. The way I like to think about it is I am just a human being with no male or female label. My pronouns are they/them and referring to me this way is integral to respecting me. Yet, some people furrow their brows over my identity, It seems they think about my gender identity (or lack thereof) more than I do myself. I often hear the questions “Aren’t they/them pronouns grammatically incorrect?” or “Are you sure you’re not a girl?” or even “Don’t you think that being non-binary is just a phase?” All of the questions completely invalidated my existence especially when Google search bars exist.
I was told that college was the “place of new beginnings,” where every single person of every demographic would fit in. This statement is true in some regard, I found safety in some spaces, yet I was delusional to believe that I would be gendered correctly and asked appropriate questions from everyone I encountered. But I cannot deny the silence when I introduce my pronouns in some social settings, I cannot forget the inappropriate questions that people I have trusted have asked me about my gender, I cannot cease to remember the pain in my heart after I am misgendered in class and my face turns red.
So I had to face the hard truth: College does have every demographic of people, even transphobic people. I had to address my discomfort and after a while, I had to sit with the pain of Jackson 2 people’s opinions of who I was. It was integral for me to understand that some of my fellow students didn’t care how I identified and would always use “she/her” pronouns for me, or that some people’s invasive questions would slip out of their mouths without a second thought, or that some teachers wouldn’t call on me in class to answer questions because they didn’t want to learn how to use my pronouns.
After I sat with the emotions that these microaggressions made me feel, I decided to make the most of what I could control about my college experience. I found a group of lovely people to call my friends that I feel comfortable with. These people respect my pronouns and respect my identity. I do not avoid being gendered at all when I am with them because they use my correct pronouns without a second thought. Secondly, I connected to places on campus that I knew were safe. The Gender Center is a big comfort to me as a non-binary person, I know that the people working there are here for me and that I am not alone. I have had nothing but affirming experience when I talk to the staff there. I have created new boundaries towards who I allow to access me. If people cannot respect my pronouns then I simply cannot open up myself to them. This decision has led me far on my self-love journey. Understanding me is a privilege and I cannot grant anyone that privilege unless they respect my identity.
Overall, college has been a challenge for my trans identity. It was a reality shift that has caused both grief and euphoria. I would not do it differently because I have learned so much about myself and others. Just some advice from a trans person: The Google search bar does wonders for you. If you can make a space safe for a trans person, I hope you take the opportunity.
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